Cael linked this little gem on FB today of which I thoroughly enjoyed. I’m going to post it here, and then high light some of the comments as they were even more interesting to read than the satirical article.
Maybe you are a casual Agonist reader or an Agonista at heart but in any case you are probably asking yourself: what’s the deal with socialism and why do I like capitalism?
OK, lets get started by defining socialism: socialism is, by definition, something you don’t want. Its that simple and all you really need to remember but, of course, there is a complex academic explanation which goes like this: Americans don’t want socialism because the government does it.
Now that you understand socialism, its really very easy to understand capitalism. The definition of capitalism is something that you do want. Again its that simple, Occam’s Razor! Again, this being an academic sort of paper, I should add that capitalism is something that you want because the government doesn’t do it. It’s so simple isn’t it?
Here’s a trick for remembering the difference between socialism and capitalism: S is for Socialism and Satan and C is for Capitalism and Christ; Satan was a socialist and Christ was a capitalist or would have been if he wasn’t under the thumb of that heathen Roman empire run by oligarchs.
Now, with such powerful definitions you may be asking: what else do I need to know? However, it is incumbent on me, this being a scientific paper and all, to provide some background data and some examples of what I’m saying.
Its very important to remember that when the government does stuff it get’s big; that’s called big government and that’s bad. See, that’s different than big corporations who don’t get big doing stuff but get big earning money; so you can see that corporations are way more efficient because their bigness has an incentive.
We all know that big government workers are just wait’n around for their pension so they can retire with healthcare but workers for big corporation’s don’t have pensions or healthcare when they retire; they have to get those from big government evils like Social Security and Medicare. What I mean to say is that people who work at corporations can’t wait around because there’s really nothin’ to wait for so you can understand their incentive; is just plain survival; easy right?
Big corporations, on the other hand, have big executives who get paid with bonuses and stocks and can go right to the Cayman islands and retire anytime they want to; so you can understand their incentive. The government doesn’t have big executives but it has politicians who depend on big corporations for a nice retirement in the Cayman islands. So you can see that big government can’t do it all by itself.
Maybe an example will help. Let’s talk about how capitalism makes it possible for you to own and drive a car. First of all, as we are aware, the more people who buy cars makes the cars cheaper to produce; its the economics of mass production. That’s why we had to get rid of all the mass transit systems during the 1950′s so that people would have to buy cars. Its the same reason why Obama wants to get rid of the old healthcare and force everyone buy private health insurance. Its the economics of the masses makes everything cheaper to produce, thus better profits, and a better Cayman Island experience for the executives; you can see the incentives of capitalism working!
Back to our example, once all the private mass transit systems were dismantled, there was a great need for cars so the Capitalists had a situation that they could capitalize on! First step was to convince the politicians that the comforts of the Cayman Islands are a good reason for building roads all over the country. This was a big incentive so the government helped capitalism by creating the largest social project in the history of humanity by spending a trillion dollars on an interstate highway system. Now the capitalists were almost in business but cars need oil. What an opportunity for oil capitalists! The oil capitalists and the Cayman Islands convinced the politicians to use the US military to secure oil all over the world so these cars, built by capitalists, could be driven on the roads built by the government using petroleum secured by the government. So there it is, capitalism at work and socialism phooey.
Now we all have to pay taxes to the government. That’s a big disadvantage of socialism; taxes. No one pays taxes to corporations because they get a margin on goods and services that they sell. Another big incentive! Getting as high a margin as possible from consumers is not a tax. You see how much better that is?
Now, this brings us to a couple of conclusions. First, something is probably not worth doing unless someone get’s rich; kind of like, who needs to fix global warming unless a couple of us can make some dough? Second, the whole enterprise, doesn’t have to be profitable as long as, again, a couple of us make some dough right? I hope I have broadened everyones understanding of Socialism and Capitalism; any questions?
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So what do you think?
I think it’s a perfect blend of witty satire and scathing sarcasm. Does it cover the entire scope of the argument? Of course not, it’s about 12 paragraphs when we could write volumes on the subject. But I do think it sums up the meat and potatoes rather nicely.
One thing I appreciate, is right away he’s pointing out one of the biggest and most interesting myths that arise from capitalism; the notion that we need a little government control as possible. When we remove government involvement, who steps up to the plate? Why the large corporations who can afford to play in the big leagues. Why on earth is this a better trade off? We take power from elected officials who are accountable to us and replace them with giant profiteering monsters who are not.
Does that make sense? Not to me.. but I might be missing something here. (Like a few million dollars in my bank account.)
And of course, anyone who knows me well, knows how much I enjoyed the section of cars vs. public transportation. Car culture has got to go.
Now, before i turn this into a 5 day rant, I want to quote a few of the replies.
The author replies to one comment and said, among other things, something that resonated with me:
That said, I believe we are all thinking within the box of a consumer culture and its hard to see outside of it. What would it be like if, as a rule, family and friends were the center of life and “stuff” was not?
That nails it on the head for me. It’s become all about, as Terence McKenna would say, “crapola”. We’re totally obsessed with acquiring stuff.
Then in reply to someone who fears talks of socialism will never work as there will always be “Some parties (who) feel that everybody else should do the work.”
I hear that a lot when ever the conversation turns to communism or socialism. Who is this “they” that is so lazy they refuse to help chip in. Working adds to a sense of self worth. My work brings me into contact with people who are trying to get back into the work force, and I can say fairly confidently, that most people do not enjoy being unemployed. People want a purpose. They want to be part of something greater and productive. Nothing is more frustrating than feeling useless.
Also in defense of social change, there are a few good points made that I’d like to highlight.
First, the goal doesn’t have to be that wealth be “distributed evenly.” How about just more balanced?
Exactly! The gap is just too wide. It’s ridiculous that some people make millions of dollars a year acting, and yet school teachers struggle to make ends meet. The entertainment/professional sports/celebrity life styles need to looked at. Cap wealth levels, or tax income (or at least bonuses) over a certain amount. Something needs to change in how we handle wealth. Period.
Someone else replies…
Frankly, I’m in favor of providing every living human being with food, shelter, and the opportunity for formal education. The only problem with this is that it requires some incentives to minimize free-riding, and determining those incentives is a big problem.
I hate how the notion of providing everyone food, shelter and education is portrayed as such an over whelming task.
We can fly to Mars, create micro chips, send one hundred thousand troops to another country and kill people, but talk about basic rights for all, and you’re dreaming.
It’s annoying. It really is just so annoying. We could do it!!!! We really could.
Another thing the guy fearing socialism says is this:
If people choose to live like animals there isn’t anything that providing resources can do to help them. Don’t play the under-privileged card on me, I grew up in the slums eating government food surplus.
This isn’t the first time I’ve encountered the line of thinking that poor people choose to be poor. Women are “choosing” to be beaten. Teens are “choosing” to get pregnant. People are “choosing” to live on welfare.
Where do people think that everyone has a choice? And that if they’re living in a less than ideal situation, it’s because they chose it? That argument drives me crazy. My question at this point is, why does our “civil society” allow that choice then? The great 80′s movie, “Trading Places” comes to mind. The premise being a bet that you can take a drug dealer off the street, give him a house and a job etc, and will it change him? Will be become an honest man? Fantastic movie and I won’t spoil the movie by giving away the answer, (but yes he can and does!)
As for the comment, this guys reply will also do:
Seriously, who chooses to “live like animals?” Our corporate overlords choose to be predators because they have the power. Scapegoating powerless poor people only does the master’s bidding. I think you’ll agree that we don’t all have the same “choices.”
This guy continues on and finishes his reply with this:
But the more important questions for those of us who want to create a more balanced and sustainable society (i.e. a return to a broad based middle class) is not simply who contributes more or less but who has the power and who does not. I’d think our goal should be more in line with putting the bastards in check, rebuilding a healthy middle class and providing everybody with the basic essentials to join that middle class. And that’s were Joaquin’s snarky post comes into play. It’s not a choice between Christ and Satan, but rather how do we the people, as a democracy, take back the narratives and the power to choose which tools work best in particular situations. It is class war and you and I are loosing! Socialism for the wealthy and a cruel Darwinian race to the bottom for the rest of us. Let’s move beyond the 19th century.
Well said!
How do we take back the narratives? That’s the rub! There are so many people out there who feel completely powerless. They have convinced themselves that there isn’t even a point to voting because they don’t like any of the options. This loss of “belief” in ones own power is very much related to (in my own humble opinion) how educated they are about what is going on. This shouldn’t be a surprise. Most people who have little knowledge on a subject care less than one who has more information. For example, I know absolutely nothing about football and so I am completely apathetic to anything related to it. So what’s the difference between local/country wide/world news vs. football you ask? Well, one empowers you as a human being, and the other just distracts and entertains. It really does start with the individual.
Anyways, I know I’ve kind of digressed from the original topic.
Lesson of the day: Down with Capitalism.
What you’re thinking about!